The concept of friends and building solid friendships is another one of those areas in parenting that requires an on-going conversation with our kids. We begin by helping our children define friendship. When my kids were little, they would refer to anyone that they had played with as their “friend.” During visits to the neighborhood playground they would point out their “friends” to me.  When I would ask them to tell me the names of their “friends,” my girls would usually say, “I don’t know. But they’re my friend.” While this is typical for this stage of development, I began using it as an opportunity to teach about friendship.  I would remind them, “Friends know each other’s names. Go introduce yourself and find out the other kid’s name.”

As kids get older, it is important to help them understand that there are levels of friendship. A picture of three concentric circles illustrates this concept well.  The center circle represents your very closest friends, those you know and who know you very well. The next circle represents your casual friends, those you know well enough to talk to, have lunch with, and hang out with sometimes, but not like your close friends. The outer circle represents acquaintances, people you speak with occasionally, but you don’t really spend much time with them. Assisting your kids in identifying where the people in their lives fit in this picture can help them better understand their relationships and develop more appropriate expectations.

Because we want our kids to have “good friends,” we parents sometimes take it on ourselves to help our kids make friends with those we think would be good for them. Occasionally this might work; however, it has been my experience that set-ups usually don’t work well.  Kids (like adults) need the opportunity to develop friends in a more organic way. Rather than trying to build relationships for our kids, let’s help them learn to develop healthy relationships on their own.  We can provide guidance as needed, but most of all, we can pray for them as they grow in this area.