Twenty Years of Motherhood- What I Know For Sure

She turned twenty a few months ago. The one whose arrival in the world brought to me the title of “mother.” Has it really been twenty years? Maybe that doesn’t seem like a long time to some. But for me, the one who was once labeled “infertile,” it is simply miraculous! I do not take for granted this gift of motherhood that I have received. As my good friend Murley says, I am “livin’ the dream!”

As I reflect on the past two decades, I am amazed at all that I have learned while on this journey. A few thoughts really stand out in my mind. While this is by no means an exhaustive list, below are a few of the things that I know for sure about being a mother.

Motherhood is the toughest job I’ve ever loved.

I’ve had some challenging job experiences over the years. Anything is possible in the realm of mental health. I’ve coordinated community integration programs for developmentally disabled adults. I have done task analysis for everything from toilet training to holding an appropriate conversation. I have established safety plans with folks who were suicidal. I have worked with paranoid schizophrenics while they were actively hallucinating. I even witnessed a client manifest multiple personalities during a medical visit. This is work that is absolutely draining. Mentally, emotionally, and physically draining; yet, somehow, also very fulfilling.

However, the most challenging and satisfying work I have ever done has been raising my children. Every day is different. Each stage of development brings with it a new set of challenges. There have been countless times that I have been completely spent. But there are more times that I have been so completely content. To watch them grow, master new skills, develop their talents, and explore the world around them was and continues to be my absolute joy. Simply put, I LOVE being a mom! Yes, it is tough sometimes, but the rewards are incredible.

Mother’s intuition is real.

While it would be helpful if children came with an instruction manual, the reality is that they do not. However, I really do believe that all mothers are blessed with intuition, an innate sense that gives us insight regarding the individual needs of our children. It’s that feeling in our gut that something is (or maybe isn’t) going on with our child despite the evaluations provided by others. It’s our “knower” that guides us as we make decisions every day regarding our kids. This intuition combined with the Holy Spirit of God that dwells in our hearts is so powerful. When we pray and ask for help, He is faithful to give us wisdom and direct our footsteps. It’s like having constant access to the best interactive instruction manual available anywhere.

Mothers need other mothers to travel with us on the journey.

Many years ago it was common for multiple generations of a family to live near each other. The older folks were present and available to help teach the younger ones how to do life. Great-grandmothers and grandmothers helped new mothers to raise their children. Today it is much more common for us to be separated geographically from the older generations in our families.

Sometimes separation comes as a result of other issues. I have met so many women who are estranged from their own mothers for a variety of reasons. These divides aren’t always so easily bridged, leaving both mothers and daughters with heartache.

My own mother died a couple of years before I had my first child. I mourned for all that she would miss and for all that I would miss by not having her physically present in my life. I mourned for my children who would never know her and would miss out on having this grandmother in their lives. I spent the first few years of motherhood trying so hard to do it all on my own. I wanted to honor my mother by being the best supermom I could possibly be. It was exhausting! In the midst of all of my striving, God gently reminded me that there were some amazing women in my life who could help me. No, they weren’t my mom and it wouldn’t be exactly the same, but they were women who had lots of experience and wisdom to share.

I slowly began to reach out and ask for help. I received such love and support from the most wonderful women. One, in particular, is my mother-in-law. She is an incredible woman of God and has taught me so much about how to be a wife and mom. She is a marvelous grandmother and my girls absolutely adore her! God has brought some other lovely women into my life who have been surrogate mothers, grandmothers, and sisters. Some came into my life for a short season, some for much longer. Whatever their contribution, I know that I could not do this without the love and support of these women.

Some of these women have never had children of their own. You can still be a “mama” even if you’ve never had your own kids. I’m so grateful for their encouragement and willingness to walk with me along the way. God never intended for us to travel alone. We need one another on the journey.

My children do not belong to me.

While I do use the possessive pronoun “my” when referring to the children that I have birthed, they are not my possessions. Yes, I have been responsible for their care and training. Yes, we share some of the same physical characteristics, personality traits, gifts, talents, and even interests. But my children do not belong to me. They belong to God. He knew them while they were still being formed in my womb. He uniquely gifted each of them to accomplish a specific purpose in His kingdom. As much as I love them, He loves them with a perfect love.

I’ve learned over the years that this business of parenting is really a long process of letting go. Each stage of child development brings with it a new level of independence. This independence needs to be paired with freedom. Throughout each stage, I’ve poured all that I can into my kids. All of my knowledge, experience, insight, and love. Then comes the time to take a step back and let them complete the process of growing and learning. Letting go is challenging. Sometimes it is tempting to just try and control. But control brings with it a false sense of security. Letting go fosters faith and trust.

I’m in a rather intense season of letting go. My youngest will be graduating from high school in three short weeks and will move away to go to college in the fall. I draw great comfort from knowing that the One who entrusted her to me for a time will complete the great work that He has started in her.

I know more about parenting now than I did 20 years ago, yet somehow I feel like I know less.

I call this the Parenting Paradox. Just when I think I’ve got it all figured out, something happens to remind me that I don’t have it all figured out. That’s what happens in this process of growing humans. Parents and children alike are all constantly growing and changing. The world we live in is constantly growing and changing. Hopefully our relationship with God is constantly growing and changing. The good news is that I don’t have to have it all figured out. I don’t have to be a supermom. I don’t have to be an expert. The best thing I can do as a mom is live my life in submission to God, seeking His truth and His wisdom, obeying His leading, and resting in His peace. This I do know for sure.

“If you have a mom, there is nowhere you are likely to go where a prayer has not already been.” ~Robert Brault

a legacy of faith, wisdom, and love